Jokes

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says, “what’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” says Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”
How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?
A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!”
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”
The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute.” The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.” He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”
Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
In June 1994 in London, lawyers for convicted murderer Stephen Young filed an appeal after learning from one juror that three other jurors had conducted a Ouija board séance during jury deliberations and “contacted” the dead man, who named Young as the killer.
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, “You feel me first.”

The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, “Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet…”

The rabbit says, “I know! I’m a rabbit! Yippee!”
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, “Okay, you’re long and thin, and slimy all over, and there’s a little forked tongue…”

The snake says, “Damn, I’m a lawyer

A man sat in his attorney’s office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have
to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”

“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!”

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam’s best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam’s earthly possessions, over a million dollars’ worth. In front of Sam’s family, Stu reads the will:

“Stu, if you’re reading this, then I must be dead. You’ve were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.” Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam’s instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam’s widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. “This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can’t be!” So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: “To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased.” Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfounded. “Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam’s wishes quite clear: ‘Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!’ I wanted the lion’s share! What gives?”

The judge answered back, “Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family’s interest in mind, he didn’t say, “give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.’ No. What Sam said was, “Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself.”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted when the gang got back to their hideout. “We got out with $25 between us.”

“I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!” the boss screamed. “We had over $100 when we broke in!”

Young Lawyers loose their briefs

Old lawyers lose their appeal.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, “Oh come on, Genies can’t be attorneys too!”

The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes,but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.

“My first wish is for 1 million dollars.”

The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish.

“My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes.”
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babes.

The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie’s attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: “For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me  half to death!!!”

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put “here lies an honest lawyer.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s strange!”

About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came to the question: “If your father is dead, state the cause.” Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: “He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way.”
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It’s called Sosumi

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defence attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?
Farmer: That’s right.
Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?
Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.

Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.
In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.

She says, “Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.”

At which point, the defendant bursts out, “You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”.

A lawyer is doing a cross examination of the defendant.

Lawyer says, “Now, isn’t it true that on the 5th of November last year, you rode naked through the streets on top of a dustcart, letting off fireworks, and singing ‘I did it my way’ loudly?”

Defendant asks, “What was the date again?”

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah’s Witness. He declined, as he hadn’t seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.

“What a rip off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled,
“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”